The Bare Minimum in a Relationship VS What You Actually Deserve

You’ve probably heard someone say their partner does the bare minimum. Maybe you’ve even said it yourself. The phrase is all over TikTok, Instagram and pretty much everywhere on the internet when someone’s venting about their love life. But what does it actually mean to give a bare minimum in a relationship?

If you’re wondering whether your relationship is healthy or if you’re settling for the bare minimum, this guide will help you figure it out.

What the Bare Minimum Actually Looks Like

What counts as bare minimum relationship behavior are the absolute basics that any decent partnership should have. They include the following:

Respect and Basic Courtesy

Your partner should treat you like a human being they actually care about. That means no name-calling during arguments, no making fun of things you’re sensitive about and definitely no dismissing your feelings when you’re upset.

They should listen when you talk, remember important stuff you’ve told them, and not roll their eyes when you’re being vulnerable. This basic mutual respect is non-negotiable in any healthy relationship.

Honesty Without Playing Games

Nobody’s asking for brutal honesty 24/7, but your partner should be truthful about important issues. Where they are, who they’re with, and how they’re feeling about the relationship.

If they’re upset, they should say it instead of giving you the silent treatment and expecting you to read their mind. A partner who respects you will communicate directly, even when it’s uncomfortable. This kind of behavior has no place in a fulfilling relationship.

Related reading: Lying by Omission: Understanding Its Impact on Relationships and Trust

Consistent Communication

This doesn’t mean texting every five minutes. It means you’re not constantly wondering where you stand. They reply within a reasonable time, they don’t disappear for days without explanation, and they actually want to talk to you.

If you have to stress over making plans with them, or if you’re always the one reaching out first, that’s a problem. Communication should feel natural, not like a chore they’re avoiding. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be emotionally invested in staying connected.

Emotional Safety and Trust

You should feel safe being yourself around your partner. That means sharing your fears, your embarrassing stories, your random thoughts at 2 AM, all without worrying they’ll use it against you later or tell everyone you know.

They shouldn’t be checking your phone constantly, interrogating you about every person you talk to, or making you feel bad for having a life outside the relationship. Healthy relationships have breathing room and allow space for your own life. This emotional safety creates a sense of security that’s essential for intimacy and connection.

Actual Effort

Your partner should act like they want to be with you, not like they’re doing you a favor. They should remember your birthday, ask about that exam you were preparing for, and put effort into spending time with you, even if it’s just ordering pizza and watching a movie together. Thoughtful gestures, even small ones, show they’re putting in the work to make you feel valued.

Red Flags That You’re In a Bare Minimum Relationship

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your expectations are too high or if you’re genuinely being treated poorly. Here are some signs you’re getting less than you deserve:

They’re Inconsistent

One day they’re all over you, the next they’re cold and distant. You never know which version you’re getting. This type of hot-and-cold behavior tends to keep people on edge, constantly trying to figure out what they did wrong. You probably didn’t do anything wrong. They’re just not being consistent, which is one of the basics of a healthy relationship.

You’re Always Making Excuses for Them

“They’re just really busy right now.” “They don’t like texting.” “They show love differently.” If you’re constantly explaining away their behavior to your friends or to yourself, take a step back at this point. You shouldn’t have to justify why your partner treats you the way they do. This is a clear sign you might be accepting bare minimum standards.

Your Needs Always Come Last

They cancel plans last minute, forget important dates, or prioritize literally everything else over you. When you try to talk about it, they get defensive or turn it around to make you feel needy for wanting basic attention. In a fulfilling relationship, your needs matter just as much as theirs.

They Don’t Take Responsibility

When they hurt you, they blame you for being too sensitive or twist things to make it seem like you caused the problem. A partner who gives you the bare minimum will own up to their mistakes and actually try to do better, not gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting. This kind of behavior is a red flag that should lead you to reflect on whether this person is truly invested in the partnership.

You Feel Anxious More Than Happy

Relationships should add to your life, not drain it. If you’re constantly stressed about where you stand, walking on eggshells to avoid setting them off, or feeling more relief than sadness when they don’t text back, that’s your gut telling you something’s off. Your mental health and emotional well-being should never be sacrificed for a relationship.

Related reading: Relationship Anxiety = Relationship Killer

Why Smart People Accept Less Than They Deserve

You’re not weak or stupid for staying in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs. There are real reasons people tolerate less than the bare minimum.

You Think This Is Normal

Maybe you grew up watching relationships where one person did all the work. Maybe your past relationships were similar. When you’ve never seen what healthy looks like, you don’t know what you’re missing. You might think everyone’s relationship is like this, so you just deal with it. Of course, this is often a sign that bare minimum standards have become normalized in your mind.

You’re Scared of Being Alone

Being single can feel scary, especially when all your friends are coupled up or when you’ve been with someone for a long time. The thought of starting over, going on awkward first dates again, or sleeping alone might seem worse than staying in a meh relationship. But settling for someone who doesn’t treat you right because you’re scared of being alone? That’s never a good idea. Remember that your own life and well-being come first.

You’re Hoping They’ll Change

They’ve shown you glimpses of the person they could be, those amazing first few months, or that one time they really showed up for you. You keep thinking that if you just love them enough, try hard enough, or wait long enough, they’ll become that person consistently. Here’s the hard truth: people don’t change unless they want to. And you can’t love someone into being a better partner. This hope for the future keeps many people stuck in bare minimum relationships.

You Don’t Think You Can Do Better

Low self-esteem is sneaky. It convinces you that this relationship is as good as it gets for you. That you’re lucky someone wants to be with you at all. That asking for more would be asking too much. None of that is true. You deserve someone who makes you feel wanted, not tolerated. Your self-respect is worth more than settling for less.

“Self-esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value, despite your human flaws and weaknesses. Your value as a person isn’t earned; it isn’t conditional; it can’t be added to or subtracted from. Your essential worth is neither greater nor lesser than that of any other human being. It can’t be. Self-esteem is about being, not doing. You have worth simply because you’re alive.”

Terry Real, family therapist and author

How to Break Free and Raise Your Standards

Ready to stop accepting crumbs? Here’s how to start expecting and getting what you actually deserve:

Get Clear on What You Need

Sit down and actually think about what makes you feel loved and respected. Not what society says should matter, not what your ex wanted; what do YOU need? Maybe it’s quality time, maybe it’s words of affection, maybe it’s knowing your partner has your back when things get tough. Write it down if that helps. These are your non-negotiables that will guide you toward a fulfilling relationship.

Talk About It

Once you know what you need, tell your partner. Be specific. “I need you to communicate better” is vague. “I need you to let me know if you’re going to be more than an hour late” is clear. Give them a real chance to step up. This conversation is important for both of you to get on the same page.

Pay attention to how they respond. Do they get defensive and make you feel bad for having needs? Or do they listen and actually try to do better? Their reaction will tell you a lot. A truly emotionally invested partner will show enthusiasm for meeting your needs, not defensiveness.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Boundaries are basically rules for how you want others to treat you. “I won’t accept being yelled at during arguments.” “I won’t be in a relationship with someone who lies to me, including cheating.” These clear boundaries are essential for maintaining self-respect and ensuring mutual respect. Figure out your boundaries, communicate them clearly, and follow through if someone crosses them.

This is the hard part. You can’t set a boundary and then let it slide when they break it. That just teaches them that your boundaries don’t actually matter. Standing firm requires energy and commitment, but it’s worth it.

Be Ready to Walk Away

Sometimes love isn’t enough. If you’ve communicated your needs, given them time to adjust, and nothing’s changed, it might be time to go. You can’t force someone to treat you right. You can only decide whether you’re willing to accept how they’re treating you now. Walking away means you respected yourself enough not to settle. This takes courage, but it’s the only answer when someone won’t meet even the minimum in a relationship standards.

Related reading: 14 Signs You Should Break Up and 12 Signs You Should Stay With Your Partner

Work on Yourself Too

While you’re figuring out what you deserve in a relationship, spend some time becoming the person you want to be. Pick up hobbies, hang out with friends and go to therapy if you need it. The more comfortable you are being alone, the less you’ll tolerate being treated poorly just to avoid it. This personal growth is essential for your mental health and will help you recognize a healthy relationship when you find one.

What a Healthy Relationship That Goes Beyond the Bare Minimum Standards Looks Like

The bare minimum is just the starting point. Here’s what you should actually be aiming for once you’ve got the basics covered.

A great relationship feels easy most of the time. You’re not constantly fighting or wondering where you stand. Your partner makes you feel secure, not anxious. They’re excited to see you, they brag about you to their friends, and they include you in their plans. You feel special, not like an afterthought.

They support your goals, even when it’s inconvenient for them. They celebrate your wins and comfort you during losses. They know your coffee order, they remember that story you told them three weeks ago, and they notice when you get a haircut. These are consistent, thoughtful gestures that show they’re paying attention.

You both put in effort. You both plan dates, try new things together, and work through problems instead of running from them. You laugh together, you can be weird together, you feel like you’re on the same team facing life together, rather than competing against each other. You’re both doing your half of the emotional heavy lifting, not leaving it all to one person.

There’s a genuine connection and intimacy, not just physical. Though sex and affection matter too, emotional intimacy means you can be vulnerable with each other. You have shared goals for the future, and you’re working toward them together. You both speak openly about your expectations and your commitment to each other.

This is what a fulfilling relationship looks like when both people are truly emotionally invested.

Your Current Relationship Deserves More Than Just the Basics

The bare minimum in a relationship is respect, honesty, communication, trust, and effort. These are the basic requirements for any relationship. If your partner can’t meet these basic standards, they’re not the right person for you.

You deserve someone who actively chooses you every day. Someone who makes you feel safe, valued, and genuinely cared for. Don’t settle for less just because you’re scared of being alone or because you think this is as good as it gets.

The right person won’t make meeting your needs feel like a burden. They’ll want to show up for you and make you feel valued. They’ll want to make their partner happy because your happiness matters to them. And until you find that person, you’re honestly better off alone, working on yourself, figuring out what you want, and refusing to settle for anything less than genuine respect and effort. At this moment, the most important thing you can do is reflect on what you truly need and dare to speak up for it or walk away.

Related reading: What Is Simping and How Do You Know if You’re a Simp?