After taking a required Intro to Psychology course as an undergrad, I have never looked back. Since my doctoral program, I have specialized in adult relationship therapy. Through my studies and clinicals, I wrote several articles for professional journals and currently in the midst of writing a book.
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13 Key Signs He Is Not Sorry For Hurting You
Being hurt by someone you love is a terrible thing to have to go through. But seeing the signs he is not sorry for hurting you is even more terrible. You might want to believe that deep down, he is feeling guilty about what he did, but sometimes, there’s no point in hoping for that.
Here are 13 undeniable signs he doesn’t feel guilty for hurting you, along with our recommendations on what to do when you decide to stay or go away from them after this.
13 Signs He Is Not Sorry for Hurting You
Your feelings should matter to him, but sometimes you wonder if he has much regard for you at all. If that’s your case, take a deeper look at your relationship to honestly assess whether he realizes the hurt he caused – or does he even cares about your feelings as his romantic partner. Here are the behaviors and warning signs you should be on the lookout for.
Related reading: Male Maturity – When Does It Kick In?
1. He Refuses to Apologize
When he refuses to give you an apology, it shows you a few possible situations:
- He has no empathy for you. He likely knows that he did something hurtful, and simply doesn’t care that you were hurt by it.
- To some degree, he believes that you deserved what he did to you. When he won’t apologize, he is telling you that his ego is more important than your pain.
- It’s a weakness for them. Some men won’t apologize because they don’t want to power dynamics of your relationship to be equal.
Lack of apology is one of the most basic signs he is not sorry for hurting you.
2. Apology Seems Forced or Scripted
When he does give an apology, doesn’t it feel like he’s not showing genuine remorse for what he did? Or does it feel like he’s reading something off of a piece of paper? If so, the chances are that their apology doesn’t reflect true regret.
An apology should be a way of showing genuine remorse and is often the first step in making things right for what a person did.
3. He Refuses to Change His Behavior
He might apologize and mean it in that moment, but that doesn’t always mean he’s going to stop with the behaviors that lead to you being hurt in the first place.
If he does something to hurt you, apologizes, and then repeats that behavior again, he may have felt some momentary guilt, but that does not mean that he actually felt bad about hurting you.
4. He Doesn’t Think That He Needs to Make Up For What He Did
One of the many signs he is not sorry for hurting you is showing no remorse and not seeing what he did as something that needs to be fixed. In other words, he knows what he did to you and doesn’t think that he needs to fix the damage that he caused.
He will likely make a big deal about how you are the one who is overreacting. He may even pull some examples out of nowhere that justify him hurting you.
5. He Constantly Makes Excuses for His Behavior
Instead of taking responsibility, he tries to excuse his hurtful or toxic behaviors and blames external factors like stress, his job, or even your mother.
When he is busy making excuses instead of showing empathy or regret for hurting you, that is one of the signs that he does not care about hurting your feelings. He simply doesn’t believe that his behavior was the issue.
6. He Blames You
Blaming you is one of the biggest warning signs there is no genuine regret about hurting you. Rather than take full responsibility for his actions and look out for your emotional well-being, he chooses to try and pin the blame on you for what he did.
“I wouldn’t have kissed her if you stayed with me instead of going out with your friends.”
“It’s your fault for leaving that money on the table while you went to the bathroom.”
These projection examples let them feel less guilty about what they did and even paint themselves as the better person in their mind.
7. He Makes It Your Responsibility to Fix Things
If he tries to shift responsibility on you to make things better between you, that’s a huge red flag. Healthy relationships are all about give and take – and if he were truly sorry for hurting you, he would be taking responsibility for his hurtful actions.
When a guy hurts you and feels sorry for that, he will actively collaborate to make sure he can avoid hurting you again in the future. But when he chooses that fixing things is your responsibility, it shows that he doesn’t feel guilty at all.
Related reading: Mommy Issues in Women
8. He Makes His Apology a Gigantic Show for All to See
It is often said that actions speak louder than words. However, there is a way to go about it. He might make a big deal of making a show of a sincere apology. He might even put on a convincing act to show you that he is sorry for hurting you. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he feels guilty for what he did.
These grand gestures of apologizing and asking for forgiveness should match with real signs that he cares about your emotions and well-being. The show should be a way for him to show everyone else that you’re making a big deal out of what happened and that he’s the only one making amends while you refuse to let him rebuild trust.
If he is genuinely remorseful about what he did, he wouldn’t need to put on a giant show. Big gestures mostly show that he cares more about his image and reputation than he does about hurting you.
9. He Starts Treating You Like a Friend with Benefits Instead of a Romantic Partner
If he truly regrets hurting you, he will keep treating you like a romantic partner, even when there is emotional distance between you that helps you heal. He doesn’t hurt your feelings as an excuse to start chasing some other options.
But if you find that they separate themselves from you for naughty reasons, that is one of the top signs that they don’t see your relationship in the same light as you.
Related reading: 11 Friends With Benefits Rules to Keep Things Chill
10. He Suggests That You Deserve What He Did
One of the most obvious signs that he does not feel sorry for hurting you is suggesting that you deserved it for some reason. This way, he puts himself beyond blame: he’s no longer a guy who makes excuses for his behavior but a guy who shows that he knows what he did wrong.
This is not only a lack of empathy. It shows your partner dismisses their own actions as well as your feelings.
11. He Repeats His Hurtful Behavior
When he doesn’t seem sorry for hurting you, he will do the same thing for you.
In a healthy relationship, if the person who did the hurtful thing gives a genuine apology, a pattern of changed behavior will follow to prove with actions his regret. But when the bad pattern repeats or even gets worse with time, that means that he does not feel sorry for hurting you – and you’ll be deeply hurt again pretty soon.
12. He Makes Excuses
“If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.”
Amit Kalantri, author
It’s one thing to provide an explanation. It’s another to use that explanation to dismiss another person or refuse accountability.
If he is busy making excuses, chances are he is not a person who regrets hurting you. This is a major red flag that shows your relationship lacks empathy and mutual responsibility.
13. He’s Dismissive
Watch his body language when you try to speak with him about your relationship and his behavior:
- Does he cross his arms or roll his eyes?
- Does he sigh loudly?
- Is he more concerned about getting the conversation over with than understanding you?
He can’t care about hurting you if he treats you while you’re bringing it up as a waste of his time. You’ll be hurt again.
4 Ways to Distance From a Person Who Doesn’t Care About Hurting You
It can be hard to come to terms when someone you love doesn’t feel sorry for hurting you. It can make you question your self-awareness – and even wonder if you are cursed to have a negative love life.
If you are hurt witnessing the signs that he doesn’t care about your feelings, here are a couple of things you should do.
1. End The Relationship
“As you remove toxic people from your life, you free up space and emotional energy for positive, healthy relationships.”
John Mark Green, author
Feeling no remorse for the choice to hurt you can be a warning sign to end the relationship. If they are not ready to take responsibility for this decision, they may choose to push you instead – with toxic behavior, bad temper, and overall just making the relationship a miserable experience.
If you find that they are suddenly entering a pattern where they constantly hurt your feelings, it may be best for your well-being that you end the relationship with them.
2. Take a Break From Dating for Yourself
When you realize he doesn’t care, you take a big hit to your self-esteem.
If you’re tempted to get back out romantically to feel loved and validated, don’t do that. Focus on your relationship with yourself. Engage in self-care as a way to remind yourself that you deserve to be treated well.
Related reading: What Is a Break in a Relationship?
3. Spend Time With Those Who Care About You
Sometimes, the best medicine for being let down by a man is spending a few weeks with familiar people who care about you. Lean heavily on friends and supportive family members.
4. Think About What You Want in a Future Relationship
If you don’t want your next relationship to go the same way as this one, make your list of relationship dealbreakers. Then, plan to communicate your needs and expectations with the next man you date.
A Guy Hurt You: 3 Reasons to Forgive Him
When it comes to one’s mistakes and past actions that have hurt us, it can be hard to determine if forgiveness should ever be on the table.
Although forgiveness can be healing to the person who gives it, choosing to forgive is a gift that should not be taken lightly.
Whether you choose to forgive them or not is completely up to you. However, if you want to start rebuilding trust, these are the crucial signs you need to look out for.
1. He Recognizes What He Has Done Wrong and Takes Responsibility for It
An essential part of making amends for what happened is recognizing that they are to blame for what happened. He should be able to say that he made a careless mistake and you didn’t deserve to be hurt by what happened as a result of his own actions.
That is one of the signs that he wants to change and become a better person.
2. He Shows That He Wants to Make Amends
A heartfelt apology includes an expressed willingness to make amends. There should be no show and no pressure – just a clear sign to fix things and be on the same page again. It just needs to be obvious to you and not everyone else.
This active show of making amends doesn’t have to be huge, and it doesn’t have to include lavish gifts or grand gestures.
It can be as simple as making eye contact, using sincere body language, and simply saying “I am sorry for hurting you.”
3. He Takes Responsibility for What He Did
By taking ownership, he doesn’t just acknowledge that he was wrong. He’s also committing to not behaving the same way in the future. He doesn’t want to be a careless one again and hurt you again.
He’s Not Sorry, But You Can Should a Decision for Yourself
If you’ve spotted one of the signs he is not sorry for hurting you, it hurts one more time. How much pain can you stand? It’s your life and your decisions – we can only recommend taking good care of yourself and not anyone downgrade your worth.
Geoffrey Williams
