Trouble at Home: Signs Your Girlfriend Isn’t Sexually Attracted to You

Intimacy & Sex
08 Jul 2023
12 min read
Cursed 13 Signs That Your Girlfriend Isn't Sexually Attracted to You

Not long ago, you did not doubt that your girlfriend wanted you. Sex was a regular part of your life, and she was enthusiastic about it. Often, she was the one who would initiate sex. Now, things have changed. And you’re afraid that the things you see are the signs that your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore.

For example, your physical contact is rare – and when it happens, it’s lackluster at best. Or she’s overall disinterested and distant. You begin to wonder if sexual intimacy is just going to be at a bare minimum in your relationship.

Now, you may need to face a more brutal truth. Are you ready? We are here to share those 13 signs that your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore.

Before We Start: Fluctuating Sexual Attraction Is Perfectly Normal

Let’s talk about the nature of sexual attraction first. Generally, it’s perfectly normal for things to move from hot to cold and back again. If she seems a bit cooler to you than usual this may not mean she is no longer sexually attracted to you.

Life, work, hormones, and a range of other things can cause a temporary loss of sexual interest. This may not mean your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you. It may simply indicate her having her mind on other things. The actual signs are more serious and last longer than a few days.

Related reading: How to Be a Better Lover – Inside and Out

Tell-tale signs that your girlfriend is not sexually attracted to you

13 Signs That Your Girlfriend Isn’t Sexually Attracted to You

Let’s assume you are pretty confident that something is up. She just seems turned off at the idea of sex with you. Now what? Learn to recognize if there is an issue with her sexual attraction in your relationship by paying attention to these 13 signs.

1. Physical Contact is Nonexistent

She isn’t just turning down sex but avoiding any sort of physical intimacy with you – even non-sexual touch. If that’s the case, it is a good sign that she is simply turned off.

Alternatively, she may avoid physical touch because she wants to avoid turning you on. It may be easier for her simply not to show any sort of physical affection to avoid coming off as a tease or being accused of being sexually frustrating.

Related reading: The Art of Body Language: How to Guess What Your Dater Is Thinking

2. She Never Initiates Lovemaking

If she was initiating sex previously, but no longer does, she may not be sexually attracted to you anymore. This may be the case, even if she doesn’t turn you down for sex when you approach her looking for sexual attention.

3. She Is Constantly Critical of You

Do you end each day feeling as if you can’t do anything right in her eyes? Are her words full of blaming language? Even if some of her complaints are valid, that’s still painful for you to endure.

There are a couple of possibilities here. The first is that she is genuinely unhappy with the things you are doing. That may be killing her mood. She may also be actively trying to avoid physical intimacy by creating hostility between the two of you.

4. Your Conversations Are Cold and Surface

Deep conversations are a hallmark of a healthy, committed relationship. They include intellectual conversations and talks that create emotional intimacy between two people. If she is no longer attracted to you sexually, she may also have little interest in carrying on these conversations with you.

Related reading: 43 Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend

5. Her Body Language Is Closed Off

Closed-off or hostile body language can be a huge red flag. Even if she tries to convince herself and you think that things are okay, her body language may reveal the truth about her feelings.

She might turn her body away from you or cross her arms in front of her chest.

Remember that eye contact is also a kind of body language. If she avoids it, or you sense anger or frustration, then you can conclude something is wrong.

6. She Avoids Sex

Your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you but also wants to avoid a confrontation. For her, the easiest thing might be avoidance. That could mean simply being away or unavailable when the two of you normally spend quality time together. She may also tell you that she’s tired or busy.

While things do come up to get in the way of having sex together, you can assume there is a problem when she makes excuses to avoid sexy time in your relationship week after week. And if she’s avoidant all the time, you might be right.

7. You Don’t Spend Time Together

You used to go on exciting dates and enjoyed doing things together. Thanks to this quality time, you established an emotional connection. This had a direct and positive impact on your sex life because emotional attraction leads to physical attraction.

Now, you both generally go your separate ways:

  • Your girlfriend isn’t interested in hanging out and spending time together.
  • It’s been months since she’s enjoyed your company, or at least it seems that way.

If this is the case, these are signs that your girlfriend isn’t just struggling with the sexual component of your relationship. She may be attempting to cut ties in general.

8. When You Have Sex, She Phones It In

She agrees to have sex but clearly isn’t into it. Even when you try to spice things up, she is just going through the motions. This is a bad sign that sex isn’t good for her, and probably hasn’t been for a while. Pressuring her or being critical won’t help. Instead, communicate with her to try and figure out what went wrong.

If she's constantly unhappy with you, she might be no longer sexually attracted

9. She Looks Unhappy

To find one of the biggest signs your girlfriend has checked out of your relationship, just look at her:

  • Has she stopped taking care of herself?
  • Has the light gone out of her eyes?
  • Does your partner carry herself as if something has her down?
  • Does she exude anger and hostility?

These are obvious signs that she is generally unhappy with your relationship, and being turned off sexually is one of the aspects of this state.

Related reading: What Happens When a Woman Is Not Sexually Satisfied

10. She Doesn’t Hype You on Social

When was the last time your girlfriend posted a brag about you on social media? What about a positive response to something you’ve posted about your own life?

It’s one thing if she just isn’t a social media person. But, if she spends her time on social media talking everybody up but her own partner, something is going wrong.

11. She Is Making Herself Scarce

Sometimes, the best way to avoid conflicts over sexual activity is to simply not be around for them. She may not want to make love or get into what’s going on. So, she finds excuses to be somewhere else. She works late, has family obligations, or always has that friend who needs a hand with something.

Even when she is home, she always seems to be elbows deep in some project. This may be another conflict avoidance tactic. Be sure you communicate in ways that make her feel safe expressing herself honestly.

Related reading: A Guide on How to Be a Better Boyfriend

12. She Is Flirting With Other Guys

You think you notice her coming on to other guys. First, make sure your perceptions are correct. Sometimes, it’s easier for a guy to convince himself that she’s flirting with other guys because that would mean she is in the wrong. That’s an easy way to avoid considering the possibility that they are doing something to turn her off.

If you’re still convinced that she’s flirting or giving time to other guys, you can assume that she’s not feeling sexually attracted to you. Just know that a false accusation of cheating or flirting could mean the demise of your relationship. Tread carefully.

13. She’s Told You She Doesn’t Feel a Sexual Connection With You

She may have directly told you why she is giving you the cold shoulder. If so, that’s a reality check for you.

Don’t make the mistake of dismissing her feelings. If she tells you, believe her. If you let your own feelings put you in a state of denial, you won’t be able to work on things in your current relationship.

Related reading: The Art and Skill of Making Love

How to fix things and bring her sexual attraction back

Can You Fix Things? 6 Tips That Can Help

If your girlfriend loves you and once connected with you sexually, you may be able to get that back. That’s going to take work, and won’t be successful if she simply doesn’t care anymore.

If you find your girlfriend to be sexually desirable and want her to feel the same way, here are some steps to restore the sexual desire to your relationship.

1. Have an Open Conversation and Get to the Root of the Issue

Now that you know the signs your girlfriend is turned off, it’s time for the hard part. You have to talk about why she isn’t attracted to you anymore.

In fact, talking about this may be a real ego blow of a conversation. Remember, you are asking her to share what she is experiencing and feeling. If you are defensive, angry, or closed-off she is going to learn that she can’t trust her own partner to listen to her. You can’t do that and expect her to talk openly and honestly.

This is when you will find out exactly what is going on. Here are some common possibilities:

  • She is still attracted – the honeymoon phase of your relationship has simply passed
  • You are doing something during sex that is tanking your sex life
  • She is having health issues that are tanking her sex drive
  • She’s exhausted from work or chores
  • You are doing something to upset or frustrate her that’s turning her off
  • Her feelings have simply faded and you have been friend zoned

2. Decide Whether Things Can Be Fixed or Not

She’s not attracted to you anymore, but can you and your partner fix things? You have to talk about this honestly.

You may want things back to normal, but are you willing to put in the work? Of course, nothing is going to change unless she’s willing to address things too. The rest of these tips assume that both you and your girlfriend are willing to work to regain a healthy relationship.

Related reading: Sexual Frustration – It’s Not Fun

3. Create an Action Plan

Now you know why she isn’t turned on, and you’ve mutually decided to work on things. It’s time to move past talking and take action. Otherwise, any promises or guarantees you have made to your partner are meaningless talk.

What you should do really depends on why she’s not attracted anymore. For example, if she is irritated and exhausted because she’s taken on too much of the emotional labor in your relationship, you have to step up. What you can’t do is promise to step up, make some effort for a while, and then assume your girlfriend will eventually get over it so you can go back to the status quo.

This isn’t to say that your girlfriend doesn’t have any responsibility she does. Relationships don’t get better without mutual participation. Even if you need to change something that you are doing, she must be willing to communicate honestly as your partner. If she’s unwilling to do that, you can take that as a pretty great sign that she is permanently checked out.

4. Don’t Let Your Ego or Hurt Feelings Sabotage You

This is hurtful, we get it. A man wants to feel desirable to his girlfriend. Combine that with sexual frustration, and you might be tempted to lash out.

Don’t do that. You will make things worse, and she doesn’t deserve that. If you need to vent, talk to a friend. Write an angry letter and then throw it away. Don’t let your anger sabotage any chance you have at getting things back on track.

5. Rekindle the Flame

Almost all relationships will hit a rut from time to time. It’s not so much that she isn’t attracted to you anymore. It’s more that she is a bit bored. If she’s feeling a slump, there’s a good chance you are too! So, take steps to make sex and romance better for both of you!

Related reading: Want Some Spice? Add a Sexual Surprise to Your Sex Life

6. Learn to Argue Better

No partnership exists without some stress and conflict. That can actually be a healthy thing. It’s how you learn that there is a problem, let off steam, and solve the problem. Besides, make up sex can be amazing! That said, if your final words before bed are harsh or insulting, neither one of you is going to be turned on.

Learn to take a teamwork approach to disagreements. The idea isn’t for one of you to win and the other to concede. Instead, the issue is a puzzle for both of you to solve as a couple. That’s going to lead to better outcomes, and prevent sex from becoming a casualty.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve a Relationship With Sexual Chemistry

Every relationship has a different story. Maybe none of the signs she’s not attracted listed above resonate with you. That doesn’t mean things are okay with your partner. Your feelings and experiences are valid too. If you are concerned that she doesn’t have sexual attraction for you anymore, there’s probably something to that.

Talk to the person you love about this. Relationships never improve without communication.

Only you know if this relationship will give you what you need sexually. These solutions might work if you both make an effort. However, there is a chance that you are both at an impasse. What makes a relationship sexually satisfying for one person might be exhausting for another. There’s also the very real possibility that the chemistry just isn’t there for her, and there’s not much you can do about that.

In any case, you deserve to have a relationship that is sexually fulfilling for you. So does she.

If you can’t find that with one another, it may be time to amicably move on. Still, it’s worth making some effort to get to the bottom of things and see if anything can be done. That way, you will both know you gave it your best.

Relationships Author
Geoffrey Williams
After taking a required Intro to Psychology course as an undergrad, I have never looked back. Since my doctoral program, I have specialized in adult relationship therapy. Through my studies and clinicals, I wrote several articles for professional journals and currently in the midst of writing a book.
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