Signs You Will Never Find Love—Take Heed!

You can’t find love. Why not? Well, there are certain signs you will never find love unless you figure out what you’re doing wrong and how to change that. And that’s why this article was written with you in mind. Use the following signs as a type of checklist of self-analysis for yourself. How many of them fit you? And if they do, what can you do to combat them and get on the road to finding that great fulfilling relationship that everyone deserves?

It’s also important to understand you’re not alone. Lots of people have a very difficult time finding a genuine connection and true love with a significant other. And their pessimism stems from a variety of reasons. Let’s unpack them, so you can have a “look-see” and start to make some changes.

11 Signs You Won’t Find Love

Having a tough time finding love is a combination of thoughts and behaviors. In the world of dating, things you think and do either make the dating experience enjoyable, resulting in something real and lasting, or make it miserable, leaving you with the belief you’ll never find love. Let’s analyze those thoughts and behaviors that are keeping you unsatisfied.

Before you begin on this rather long read, here’s an introductory video that will help you prep for the details of what’s to come.

You Choose Unavailable People in the Dating Process

This can be a type of defense mechanism with a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just who is an unavailable person? It’s the type that you keep choosing over and over again, and that, if you’re realistic about it, you know you’ll never find love with.

“If you consciously want a lasting relationship but keep getting a different result, you may be subconsciously drawn to unavailable partners,”

Dr. Roxy Zarrabi, Clinical Psychologist

So, what makes a partner unavailable? They may be married. Or they may simply not want any type of lasting relationship. They’re casual daters not ready to settle down and prefer dating around right now.

One recommendation here is to look over the past unavailable people you have dated and identify the red flags that they showed. As you’re dating someone new, look for those flags to pop up. If they do, close out the dating relationship then and there and move on.

Your Expectations are Not Realistic

It’s good to have standards and a general concept of what you want in a partner. Of course you want someone who shares your values and who has goals for their future, like you do. But beyond that, what other expectations are you placing on this ideal partner?

If you insist on a certain body type, a certain level of education, income and social status, and want all of them perfect and at once, we’re sorry to say you’re probably living in a fairytale world. Not only that, but you might miss out on a guy or gal who could just offer you the important things and be a great “catch.”

Remember: no one will ever check all of your boxes if you have too many. Universal Truth: there is no such thing as perfection.

Sit down, look at the broader picture and list just the “must haves” in a person you want as a partner. Focus on those as you are dating and leave other detailed and unrealistic expectations in the romance novels and movies. Have standards, but keep an open mind!

Related Reading: Expectations in a Relationships: Healthy vs. Unrealistic

You are “Gun Shy”

Maybe your past relationship ended in a bad breakup and now you can’t seem to shake the fear of failure and/or rejection. More people than you know are in this same situation. But what if you’re ending up sabotaging yourself because of it? Right now, you might be dating very superficially, keeping things very casual with no serious talk or behavior. That may be your comfort zone now. But it won’t get you that healthy, long-lasting love you want.

In your adult life, there were probably times when you have taken risks and flopped. But other times, you’ve taken risks and been successful. That is because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable to possible failure. Sounds scary, we know.

You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in new relationships, too. Take the risks again. Yes, you may get hurt again, but one thing about us humans is, we’re filled with hope about our future. And we do bounce back. You can, too, as long as you have a solid sense of your self-worth. Which brings us to the next point.

You Settle for Less

If your self-love and self-esteem are not at a healthy level, you’ll find yourself going out with guys or gals who don’t deserve you. These incompatible relationships are doomed to failure, either in the short- or long-term. Your obvious first step is to get rid of your low self-esteem issues, and that may take some time and work—and possibly some professional help.

Self-love is something so many people struggle with. A big part of self-love involves getting to know yourself. This means spending time with yourself and cultivating self-care. There is a huge difference between being alone with yourself and being lonely. When you take time for the former, you come to appreciate who you are, your strengths and worth, and you’re then able to set boundaries across your life, including dating relationships. When you’re lonely, though, you start getting into one relationship after another and none of them bring you happiness.

Related Reading: Early Dating—Are You Making These 9 Mistakes?

You are Unavailable

Think about what you do on a daily and weekly basis. Is your life just a whirlwind of career and outside activities that keep you “on the go” from one moment to the next? If this is you, you’re probably turning down social activities that would get you “out there” into the world of meeting others.

“We are all very busy individuals and the idea of getting to know someone doesn’t always feel appealing to many. But you can’t find love without dating and spending time with someone,”

Wale Okerayi, LMHC, LPC

Finding love is a numbers game to some extent and it involves putting yourself out there into new environments and situations. If you only go to the same bars and occasionally socialize with the same people, you’ll get just what you expect: you will not find chances to meet lots of new people. This may sound dry and perfunctory, but maybe it’s time to stop WANTING real love and actually DO something about it!

How? Schedule time every week to spend time doing something new and different outside of your current situation. Go to a new bar, join an online dating app, or take a class. Your circle of friends may be great, but you’ll need to broaden it in new and different ways.

You’re in Defensive Pessimism Mode

Defensive pessimism means you prepare for the worst outcome by setting low expectations in risky situations. This may be a good strategy in some situations: it can help you get a clear idea of what the “worst case scenario” may be and you can be prepared for it.

In romance, though, research shows that this is not a good practice. One study of 227 college students found that people who had romantic breakups and then went into defensive pessimism mode had prolonged “recovery” time.

Breaking the pattern of defensive pessimism after a breakup is not easy and may require some professional assistance. One point for certain? Such a mindset will color any relationship you try going forward.

You Lack Trust

Maybe you’ve been dumped by a long-term partner. And this doesn’t only happen to women. Guys are just as often ditched as women are. Now you struggle with developing trust of anyone new who might come along. You have your guard up and imagine a repeat performance of the past relationship.

Here’s the truth: overcoming trust issues only comes from positive experiences as you date. And the more you have positive experiences, the more that trust develops.

You have already identified the red flags to look for. If none of these are showing up, it’s a good sign! Now you can move forward and take your time to truly get to know someone you date. Have fun and enjoy their company.

The journey toward trust is not a rapid one but is built with continued positive experiences. It’s sad that so many people with trust issues sign off on finding the right partner and just date without any hope of permanence. They may sabotage an otherwise good relationship by such things as picking fights over small things that will never matter in the long run. Be careful not to fall into that pattern.

You’re Trying too Hard

Perhaps you’re so focused on finding the right person that you come to look desperate. And then you project the persona of being needy and clingy. Yikes!

Usually, this behavior comes from not wanting to be alone. And people may be led to believe that the only way to combat being alone is to be in a relationship. Maybe you’ve decided that only love from another will complete you. The problem is, the harder you try to find that person, the more you will probably drive that person away

Good lord! You’re suffocating this person. But your fear of being abandoned isn’t coming from nowhere. You probably have some bad experience, too. So what to do now?

Instead of living in the constant struggle to overwhelm them with attention, step back and allow the relationship to develop at its own pace. You can’t force the perfect love life with a potential partner. That happens over time and is nurtured with space and time, mutual respect, understanding of the other’s thoughts, values and emotions—and the time for you to express those, too! You want a partner who will give you love in return, right? Try giving them some space to do it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is lasting love and deep passion.

You Haven’t Really Identified What You Want

This is often one of the many reasons women and men don’t find love. Think about it. As you go through life, you identify goals. These are things that matter to you and that you are willing to work towards. And you realize that, once identified, you can map out a plan to achieve them.

What about love and romantic relationships? Have you taken the time to identify what you want and mapped a plan to get there? Or do you just wait and imagine that you will know when that right relationship comes along? Women and men who haven’t specifically identified what they want in a love relationship are unlikely to find it.

How do you identify what you want? Here are some strategies:

• Take a look at friends and family members who have healthy love relationships. What are the characteristics of those relationships? Are they things that you want, too?
• Take a good hard look at your life. What are your goals, values, boundaries and red lines? If you can’t specifically state them, then you have no clue what you will want in your love life partner.
• Wait until you have a solid description of your ideal partner, and then you will realize them when they come along. To walk into a relationship without this will leave you unable to feel what’s right.

You’re Not Engaged in Self Growth and Development

What makes you cool, interesting and attractive to others? Are you taking steps to grow as a person? Growing in your career is important, of course, but how are you nurturing your personality? Are you exploring new interests, joining groups and organizations, finding causes you’re passionate about?

When you take steps to engage in self-development, you become a much more interesting person to potential partners. You have more to talk about and more to share regarding your values, dreams, talents and passions. Potential partners will realize that you have that fascinating depth—that’s always a good thing.

You’re Too Independent

There’s something to be said for being an independent person. If you’re like that, you can handle challenges and issues without a lot of fear. You’re confident and competent. You make decisions on your own without fear. Your family and friends see you as a successful person who is totally in control of your life. You feel good about yourself and your ability to “go it alone.”

In love relationships, it’s important for both people to have a healthy independence—to maintain their own activities and friendships apart from each other. It enriches that relationship, giving couples more to share.

But independence can go too far when relationships are involved. If you’re hyper-independent, then there will be difficulty in store. Use this as a checklist to determine if you need to backpedal a little before you make a commitment.

Whew – This is a Lot to Digest

If you feel overwhelmed by this long list of reasons why you can’t find love, take heart. No one is asking you to study all of these things today, engage in self-reflection and identify the reasons that fit you right away. Take your time to read and re-read the information and suggestions. But make sure to do so before you go out and look for that significant other that will make you feel completed. Armed with all of this knowledge, you’ll feel that you can be successful.

Related Reading: Why It’s So Hard to Find Love?