I’ve always been inspired by women who are outgoing, very sure of themselves, and not afraid to be who they were, including their sex lives. Under their tutelage, I gradually shed my old self, hung out and socialized with them, and, over time, became the empowered, self-confident, and sexual woman I am today. Happy to share my insights with other women today!
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How to Choose Between Two Guys (or Not)
For some, it is a romantic comedy cliche. For others, it’s a hard reality. The thought of having to choose between two guys can be incredibly difficult to handle. After all, the qualities of both men are obviously desirable in some way shape or form. If they weren’t, you probably wouldn’t be trying to choose between them.
Are you having trouble trying to relate to this dilemma? Even if you haven’t experienced it, you may at some point. You might have questions. So, we’ve got some expert answers.
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5 Commonly Asked Questions
Of course, we completely understand the stress that comes with having to make such a decision. One of the biggest concerns is likely the question “What if I choose the wrong guy?”. But not to fret, we have a guide here that will help you make the decision.
1. Why do some people develop feelings for two guys simultaneously?
“It is certainly possible to love several people at once. Think of family members, children, dear friends; you hold all of them in your heart at once.”
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist
“You can absolutely fall in love with two people at the same time. Someone might bring out your confident side and you’ll love them for it. A second person might make you feel safe, loved and deeply connected, and you’ll also fall for that person.”
Connell Barrett, dating coach
Often when you are trying to find the right guy you may end up having to choose between two guys. Perhaps one of the guys is a good friend who has been your best friend since you were young. The other is someone who, while you may not have the same connection, you find a strong connection and attraction to.
2. Is it normal to feel guilty for crushing on two at the same time?
“Guilt has a stronger function between close friends as the costs of relationship breakdown are greater. Relationship context, therefore, is crucial to the functional relevance of moral emotions.”
Julle-Danière et al (2020). The social function of the feeling and expression of guilt
Yes, it is normal to feel uncomfortable or guilty. In a situation like this, you essentially feel like you are leading the two men on. However, you can’t simply drop the matter as you see them as equally good candidates for romance. You feel bad that you can’t decide between two guys, but at the same time, making mistakes is not an option for you.
Despite knowing that you have to choose who to be your single partner, you find that you have developed romantic feelings towards both of them and despite only dating casually up until now, you know that you wish to settle down for a more stable relationship.
3. What happens if I should have chosen the other guy?
The answer to this question of course depends on the way you perceive the outcome. Obviously, both guys had great qualities, and the reason you decide to start dating either one of them would make either guy a safe bet.
However, when you have to make such a choice you will likely second guess yourself a lot as you start to imagine what it would be like if you made the “Right Decision” or the wrong choice. As they say, the grass is greener on the other side and when you choose one over the other, then the other may suddenly seem to be the better version.
Ultimately the right and wrong decision when choosing between two guys is how you choose to view those choices. There is no right answer whether to choose one or stay with both – studies show that 16% of people desire to engage in polyamory, so maybe you’re one of them?
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4. Is this a love triangle?
“The triangular theory of love holds that love can be understood in terms of three components – intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment – that together can be viewed as forming the vertices of a triangle.”
Robert J. Sternberg, professor of psychology at Cornell University
A love triangle is just that. One person is involved with two others at the same time. While this depends purely on how you choose to view it when you ultimately end up, having to choose between two lovers makes the answer to this question a yes.
You also have the choice to maintain the love triangle and hope the two do not find out about each other. Of course, this is dishonest, and ultimately one or both will be hurt. Not fair, unless they know about each other.
5. What if I make the choice and it doesn’t work out?
“We often make these issues much larger in our imagination, and playing the scenario out can be helpful.”
Scott Dehorty, LCSW-C and executive director at Maryland House Detox
Sometimes this just happens. You decide that one guy makes you feel secure and make them your only boyfriend. But after a few months of being together, you realize that perhaps they aren’t the correct person for you after all.
Maybe the chemistry just wasn’t there, or after you got together you had this gut feeling after a while that maybe he just wasn’t the right man. That while you still love him in the long run, being with them simply does not work, and you are both better off apart.
This does not necessarily mean that not getting together with the other guy was a mistake, but instead that you most likely were just not meant to be with either of them. So, it is not a case of a good man vs a better man, but rather a case of you just needing to move on, do some self-analysis, and take things slowly the next time.
12 Tips on How to Choose Between Two Guys
1. Get to Know Them
When you want to know how to choose between two guys, the best way to make the decision is to get to know them as much as you can. Spend time with the two guys one on one. Talk to your guy friends about them, and talk to other girls about them. Find out what they are really like, and what their life story is. This may not tell you who is the better person right away, but it will give you an idea of what your chemistry may be like in an exclusive relationship.
2. Spend Time with Them Individually
Go on dates and enjoy your time together while doing the same things. It’s best to find things you have in common with both of the men you’re trying to choose in order to determine that you end up with the right person.
Related reading: Out with the Cliché Second Date Ideas
For example, you may find that you are able to be more adventurous with one as you have been good friends with them for years. But for the other guy, you may find that he is the better choice when you wish to go on more casual and relaxed everyday dates such as the movies or to restaurants which may be better in the long run.
3. Analyze Their Personalities
When you have to choose between two guys, you may find that their personalities appeal to you in some way. You may have been best friends with the first guy for years as he made you laugh and supported you in your friendship. The other guy may be more aloof or intelligent, for example.
Of course, there is never any one trait to a man that makes them attractive to someone. Ultimately your best bet is to analyze their personality and decide who you feel you are able to connect with more easily.
4. Find Out Their Likes and Dislikes
Ultimately, when you have to choose between two guys, you will most likely have a better serious relationship with whom you share more in common in a way. Between the two men, you may find that with one of them you share a love for animals and cartoon characters, and with the other you may share a love of comedy movies and visiting weird destinations.
5. Weigh Out the Positive and Negative Qualities
No person is perfect, but sometimes the positive and negative qualities of a person can really impact the way you feel attracted to them. Don’t look for the one man with more positive qualities – but rather the man with the negative qualities you are more willing to deal with.
After all, one of them could seem almost perfect on the surface, referring to you as the most beautiful woman and always making you feel special. But, he may also be prone to violent outbursts of anger.
“Love is a decision you choose daily to show your partner you love them.”
Phillip Morina, marriage and family therapist
A person can have some unsavory habits, such as forgetting to clean or having a tendency to refuse to ask for help. But, if he is always willing to help you and has the good sense to always make sure that you feel good about yourself, it’s safe to decide to stay with him.
When you want to make the right choice about the guy you wish to be with, it’s best to consider what qualities you wish to have around you in your life.
6. Get to Know Their Friends
In general, people tend to make friends with those who they wish to be like or those who are more like them in general. One of their long-time friends may be a new guy to you, who seems stiff and old-fashioned in his nature – but in reality, he can be actually a very nice and personable person. Or perhaps, the guy who seems to be loud and arrogant is actually a very kind and caring individual who will always support you.
Overall, take the time to get to know the types of people that the two men tend to attract. If they attract someone who isn’t good, you should avoid trying to take it the wrong way. After all, there is always an exception to the rule.
7. Look Beyond Their Physical Appearance
It’s easy to make the same mistake ignoring one guy for the other in regard to physical appearance. Now, of course, there are times when the better-looking of the two guys really is the better fit. But there are also times when after enjoying someone’s company, you start seeing that person closer and begin to regret your choice.
Don’t let vanity get in the way of you and your decision. Always weigh out all of the other qualities that they have.
8. Find Out Their Individual Wants and Goals
When having to decide how to choose between two guys, it’s best to know what their individual goals are for life and how they match with yours. Do they want a family? Or would they rather spend time traveling around the world?
Remember that casually dating them is much different from being in a more serious relationship. You will find it much easier to be in a relationship with someone who has similar goals in life to you.
9. Who Is Most Likely to Cheer You on?
Rather than say who is more likely to cheer you on, perhaps we should ask what type of cheers you want from them. After all, some women like having the spotlight on them, while others are a bit more reserved and prefer a more subtle approach.
In life, there are times when you are the cheerleader and when you need to be cheered on. Both of guys you choose among may have different ways of doing so. The first guy may have a tendency to cheer you on loudly in public, while the second one stays quiet but shows his support in other ways. What do you like more?
10. Ask Your Friends and Family Members
Remember that as you navigate how to choose between two guys, it’s best to ask your friends and family their opinions of them first. After all, you don’t want to put them through the stress or heartache of attempting to enter a relationship if those close to you don’t like them.
Of course, you may still be able to be in a relationship with them if they don’t like them. However, it may be difficult to navigate such a relationship.
11. Consult a Therapist
Sometimes, it’s better to take a step back and figure out exactly why you are with two guys simultaneously. Talk to a therapist or consult a relationship coach in order to determine if you are with them for the right reason. You can also ask whoever you discuss this with in order to help you determine if the relationship you have is healthy or not.
Related reading: Relationship Advice for Women That Will Help Your Love Life
12. Ask Them How They Feel
Choosing between two guys ultimately means that you have developed feelings for both of them. However, you may have forgotten to ask what they think of all of this.
After all, men are commonly labeled as having difficulties reading a situation, but women are capable of misreading things as well. Ask each guy how they feel individually and make your choice based on their answer.
Analyze Yourself
It’s time to look inward as you uncover exactly what it is that you want.
Are you in the right place?
A healthy relationship relies on both you and the one out of the two guys you wish to choose on being in the right place in life. Take a look at where you are with your job, your financial situation, and your own goals before taking the time to consider being with them.
If you need a more detailed guide on how to decide if you are in the right place to be with someone, check out this post.
How will they benefit from being with you?
As we talked about ways to help you choose between the men you like, it’s mostly about how you would benefit from being with them. But remember that it goes both ways. How would they benefit from being with you?
Are you in a position to be a good partner? Do you have qualities that they feel would make you a good partner? Ask yourself these questions as you analyze your own qualities.
Do you want to get together with them?
This may seem to be a strange question; however, it is one worth asking. Do you actually want to be with them or do you just want a relationship?
Whether you believe it or not, many people enter relationships not because they actually want to be in them but because it is what is expected of them. Make sure that you actually want to be with them.
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Wrapping Up: Choosing The Right Guy (Or Not!)
So, you think you’ve fallen for two guys. Maybe you have. Now, you have some steps to follow and questions to ask yourself. Still, at the end of the day, you have a final decision to make.
But, here’s the surprising part. Your choice isn’t a binary one. You don’t have to choose just one guy. You are free to choose both or neither if that works for you. If you want, you can step back and simply not choose at all.
Then again, you’re also not the only one with a choice. There are two other hearts and brains involved here. Some may relish the idea of being the one you ultimately pick. Others may be completely turned off, or simply may not return your feelings. Whatever emotional gymnastics you do to make your decision, you need to be prepared for this possibility.
Cherie Hamilton
