How to Be a Better Lover—Inside and Out

For those of you who think being a better lover is all about improving your skills and talents in the bedroom, think again. Love doesn’t begin in the bedroom, and it is not kept alive by only what happens there. Not to say that pleasure and a healthy intimate relationship aren’t important parts of romance—they absolutely are. But if you want to be a better lover in the bedroom, you best be thinking about how to be a better lover outside that bedroom too.

So let’s have a look at how to be a better lover in both places.

Being a Better Lover Outside the Bedroom

Ask yourself this: how am I fostering emotional intimacy? Long-term relationships last when both partners are committed to keeping an emotional connection strong. If they feel disconnected, they grow apart, and that does carry over into the bedroom. Intimacy becomes simply a method for physical release, with little foreplay, little communication, and no intimate afterglow.

So, what can you do outside the bedroom to keep your love life healthy and thriving? Here are tips and strategies to consider.

Communication

“You might first try communicating about slightly scary things in order to gain practice talking about harder things. Once your communication skills become more refined you can begin moving into deeper things.”

Dr Kelifern Pomeranz, psychologist and certified therapist

This is how communication and intimacy are connected in an article for Oprah Daily; communicating only about physical things confines intimacy. Emotional intimacy comes from much broader communication topics:

• Do you talk about goals/dreams and validate those of your lover?
• Do you talk about your day at work or school day and decompress together?
• Do you add nonverbal communication to show affection—holding hands, a spontaneous hug/kiss, an arm around the shoulder or waist, etc.?
• Do you share jokes, laugh, play or dance together?

All of these things lead to more intimate relationships in bed and help you become a better lover.

Appreciation

Showing appreciation builds emotional intimacy and is a surefire way to increase intimacy in bed. Here are tips to show appreciation:

• Make it a habit to text once a day telling your lover something they do that you appreciate.
• Pick up a small token gift periodically to say how much you love having them in your life.
• Send lunch to their work with a card that says, “Thanks for being you.” Many men and women love being recognized at work.
• Put a monthly calendar on the fridge where each of you will write something they appreciate about the other each day. It’s cool for any guy or woman to stop and see what their love says.

While none of these directly relates to physical intimacy, they will foster lots of positive emotions which translate to life in bed.

Get Out and Do Things Together

How does this tie into tips on how to be a better lover? It ties in indirectly just as all of these suggestions do—it’s about an emotional connection between two people.

When two find things to do that provide pleasure, they experience far more than just a physical connection. These things include enjoying a boat ride, carnival rides, volunteering at an animal shelter, going out with friends, and singing karaoke together. They make you feel all “warm and fuzzy” toward one another, and the foreplay, the intimacy, and the afterglow are that much sweeter.

Become a Better Lover in the Bedroom

Good things don’t just “happen.” To be amazing and memorable, both a woman and a guy must see the thing between them as an art form of sorts. To be a good lover, you’ll need to act upon a number of things.

Discover Your Own Body First

You may or may not have good past experiences. But what do you know about your own body? What turns you on? Have you pleasured yourself?

“If you are invested in becoming a better lover, I recommend that you regularly participate in self-love/self-pleasure practice.”

Dr Kelifern Pomeranz

Watch some adult movie and observe what turns you on the most. Encourage your lover to do the same. Then both of you will have a better connection during your lovemaking. If you have real hang-ups, you might want to speak with a therapist.

Communication

It’s time to have a real conversation about what you want in bed and what your partner wants. If both of you are honest and open and are actively listening to one another, chances are increased. Great lovers are also great listeners.

Also, communicating in the bedroom is a great way to become a great lover.During all of this, it’s important that you ask your partner if something feels good, if it turns them on, or what you could do differently.

Speak up. Tell your partner what they are doing right and what they might do differently. It’s also a good time to try a different technique you have talked about, perhaps some new position. Explore at will.

If you want to be a great lover, make sure that the lines of communication are open. Most women and men will have few things they appreciate more.

Schedule Time

This might sound counterintuitive. After all, an encounter should be spontaneous, right? Well, to a point, yes. But given the horribly busy lives we lead, two people aren’t always able to be spontaneous with intimacy.

Here’s a great way to “schedule” it. Send a couple of texts during the day, indicating that you would love to have some intimate time tonight. Add a little humor by asking for an appointment.

Vary the Way You Touch Them

Think about it. There are times when that medium-sized holding and hugging is amazing. Different kinds of touches say different things about your feelings at the moment—a great way to communicate them without words.

Add Fun

So many men and women are too serious. They try hard to get everything right or are just focusing on getting things done. This can actually be pretty boring for your partner, and it can almost become an obligation. No one’s intimate life should be boring. One of the ways to put some spice into the bedroom game is to add fun and humor. So, get playful, make your partner laugh. It makes you a better lover.

One playful aspect of being in bed is trying new things. You know, switching things up a bit based on what you’ve seen and talked about. The two of you end up in an awkward entanglement of legs, arms, or both. It’s something to have a laugh about, not just in the moment but down the road too. Couples who laugh stay connected.

Put a Priority on Foreplay

Many individuals who experience dysfunction seek help through therapy. If you are in a long-term relationship, then this therapy should happen as a couple.

The reasons may vary for different people, but one of the things that therapists will suggest (among many that are already mentioned here) will be to focus more on foreplay in bed rather than continue to struggle to get things done. That would be the wrong thing to do during this time.

If your lover is experiencing dysfunction, take the therapist’s advice. Get in bed, communicate a lot, and be the best version of yourself with a commitment to explore what may turn your lover on. It’s the wrong time to be thinking about yourself.

“Goal-oriented approach takes us out of the present moment and can diminish pleasure, joy, and true intimacy… Sometimes this occurs because one (or both) partners are experiencing performance anxiety… It can be fun to play, slowly moving toward and away from sensation and pleasure.”

Dr Kelifern Pomeranz

Explore your partner’s body. Foreplay can include the end goal too.

Stay in the Moment

When a relationship becomes a bit mundane and only functional, it’s easy to feel things as an obligation and physical release. Real desire is missing. And during the act, it’s easy to let your mind wander to lots of other things—things at work, stuff that has to be done tomorrow, or whether your partner is enjoying it, etc.

Once you realize that your mind is wandering, it’s time to have some self-talk and figure out how you bring the mundane back to real pleasure. One thing to try is focusing on your senses during intercourse. How does your partner smell? What does their skin feel like? What sounds are they making? Can you make more pleasurable sounds too? How does your partner taste? This kind of focus will keep you in the moment.

Be a Better Lover in the Afterglow

When both of you are physically spent, of course, it’s time to get your breathing and heart rate back to normal. But this period of time is also important to your relationship too. It’s called the afterglow for a reason. Both of you should feel closer to each other.

There are things you should do during this time. Ask your lover what they need—some water, a towel, another blanket. And do they want to snuggle with you, or would they rather just fall off to sleep by themselves? Their desire may not be the same as yours, but honor that, nonetheless.

How About Your Physical Surroundings?

If your partner does not live with you, think about how the physical surroundings of your lovemaking space can impact the pleasure in bed. A messy room, with clothes on the floor, soiled or messy sheets or a dirty bathroom can be a huge turnoff to someone who is far neater. So, clean up your place before you have a partner join you.

And there are other things to do too. Switch things up with scented candles. How about some lovely-smelling fabric spray on your bedding? What about soft music that you know your partner likes? Making love in a great physical environment enhances pleasure. Take time to do this.

Slow Down

During those times when you have the time for the entire experience and your whole body will be involved (and your partner’s too), taking things slowly will make you a much better lover. With no time constraints, you have the time for extended foreplay.

If you are not familiar with the term “edging,” read up on it and consider using it on your partner. It involves bringing that partner to the point of climax and then backing off, only to begin again and repeat. This can feel great and your partner will truly appreciate once it’s all over.

You’re Ready to Be Better Day and Night!

Every romantic encounter gives you the chance to be a better lover. And making love involves a whole spectrum of things and a relationship in and out of bed. Read through these tips and strategies for how to become a better lover, and you may very well become the best lover ever.